HUSBAND [in frustration]: I swear, darlin’, you women would drive any man crazy. You girls can be so beautiful, but why do you have to be so STUPID?
WIFE [sweetly]: Why, dear, God knows perfectly well what He’s doing. He made us beautiful so that you would fall in love with us. And He made us stupid so that WE would fall in love with YOU.
A nice little old lady walks into the doctor’s office.
“What can I do for you today, Mrs. Pennyworth?” asks the doctor.
She is clearly very embarrassed. “Well, doctor…do you know what a, um, an ‘S-B-D’ is?”
The doctor raises an eyebrow. “Are you talking about ‘Silent But Deadly’?”
“Yes, yes, exactly.”
“Is this a problem?”
Now that she’s past the hard part, the words come out in a torrent: “Oh, doctor, it’s just so awful. It seems like I’m passing silent gas all the time — on the bus, in the checkout line at the grocery store, at church during the sermon…I just never know when more gas is going to silently escape. In fact, to tell the truth, it happened to me again just a minute ago, when I was sitting down here in this chair. Oh, doctor, is there anything we can do?”
The doctor nods firmly. “My dear Mrs. Pennyworth, there are several things that we CAN do. But the first thing that we WILL do, is we’re going to start by getting your hearing checked.”
CLAYTON WILLIAMS: Well, what I always say about rape and bad weather is, if it’s inevitable, you might as well lie back and enjoy it.
TODD AKIN [in great distress]: No, no, no, no, NO, Claytie, you can’t do that — if you let yourself enjoy it, you might get pregnant.
Before an outraged Kirk Cameron or Mike Huckabee call down fire from heaven upon me for slandering a Christian brother, allow me to offer a serious concession and an equally serious question.
First, despite the biting tone of the above satire, I do actually know that Akin isn’t a misogynist, just a moron. I’m sure that, unlike “Gettin’ Serviced in Mexico Is Just Part of Growin’ Up in West Texas” Clayton Williams, Akin would never either patronize a whorehouse or think rape was funny. I really do think Todd Akin has done his best to do the right thing in Congress (within the constraints of his limited God-given intelligence, of course). So I do, with all sincerity, grant that point to Messrs. Cameron and Huckabee.
But second, let’s imagine that somewhere there is a man who is actually stupid enough to honestly say that “It seems to me, from what I understand from doctors, that’s [i.e., pregnancies that result from actual rapes as opposed to, presumably, things that some women call rape but really aren’t true rapes] really rare — if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” (After all, it would seem that there is at least one man in America who is actually that gobsmackingly stupid.) Isn’t the direct and inescapable logical conclusion simply this: when a woman claims to have gotten pregnant because she was raped, one has to wonder whether she was really as uncooperative as she claims to have been? If memory serves, I’ve seen estimates that as many as a hundred thousand American women have found themselves pregnant as a result of rape. How are they supposed to feel when some fool of a Congressman announces that women who get pregnant very rarely do so as a result of “legitimate” rape??? Holy cows jumping over moons, I think even the inimitable Mr. Collins himself (as immortalized in Pride and Prejudice) would realize that such a statement was best left unsaid, however sincerely it might be believed. And it would take someone at least as molasses-brained as Mr. Collins to believe it in the first place.
The United States Senate has some genuinely stupid people in it. But I think we have finally found a politician who is too stupid even for Congress. Congressman Akin, the bar for meeting the intellectual standards required for membership in the U.S. Senate is spectacularly low — but your all-but-supernatural intellectual Limbo skills have proved themselves to be without peer.
What an idiot.
As for the Huckster: well, Governor, you thought Todd Akin was the Republicans’ best hope in Missouri and apparently — insanely — STILL DO. (Unless, of course, you are perfectly well aware that Akin is the only available Republican who could possibly lose to McCaskill, but you just don’t care because he’s your guy and your friend and his personal feelings are more important than, you know, the lives of those millions of unborn babies you carry on about all the time; in which case I withdraw the charge of insanity and replace it with one of grotesque hypocrisy. According to you and Todd Akin, a 15-year-old girl who has been raped and impregnated by her own father is supposed to be forced to carry the baby to term, no matter how unfair that is to her, because an innocent life is at stake — but when literally MILLIONS of innocent lives are at stake, it’s outrageous that people would expect Akin to step aside and let a better candidate take his place, because..that wouldn’t be fair to HIM? We’re supposed to be ruthless to the daddy-rape victim For The Sake Of The Children, but when it comes to salvaging a seat critically needed by the endangered unborn, but almost certainly doomed by the moron who’s throwing it away through carelessness and stupidity and intellectual laziness, Akin’s pro-life allies are supposed to give him another chance, at the likely cost of millions more abortions, because he frickin’ APOLOGIZED? He and his allies are seriously demanding that the pro-life movement ought to put his feelings ahead of the lives of the Unborn Babies? The shameless hypocrisy would take one’s breath away. So I think it’s more charitable to assume that Huckleberry and Akin are delusional enough to think Akin still has a better chance of winning than the possible replacement pro-life candidates would — otherwise all this rhetoric about “standing up for principle and the lives of the unborn” is a transparent and contemptible sham.)
What was I saying…oh, yes. You, Mr. Huckabee, thought Todd Akin was the Unborn Nation’s best hope in Missouri. Meanwhile, Claire McCaskill took the extraordinary step of spending her own campaign’s dollars to HELP your guy win the Republican primary because she thought Todd Akin was Planned Parenthood’s best hope in Missouri, the most likely Sharon Angle to her Harry Reid. I would ask you how it feels to know that Claire McCaskill is a better judge of character than you are…except that I think the question would leave you bewildered, as you’re actually too dense to realize how spectacularly Akin has already proved her right.
Never has the phrase Stupid Party seemed so apt. And yet…and yet…it’s true that the Republicans have Todd Akin and Clayton Williams. But our other party, of its own free will, chose Joe Biden for Vice-President.
Doomed, I tell you. This nation is Doomed. Or, as our President and his friends from Columbus might put it, we are D-O-M-O-E-D.